Emma and I Work Things Out

Emma, almost five years old, and I have had to work things out between us. She has turned my vision of "grandma" on its head! My plan was to be a doting grandma, always fun and giving and being the best friend Emma and Ryan ever had. As so often happens, my plans were just the jumping off point to a wonderful and unexpected adventure.

Emma came into the world with her own plans, thank you very much. Her mission was and is to learn how to operate LIFE with great expertise. She is an information suction machine: almost nothing gets past her. She knows the location and functionality of every object in the house, how each glass of water should be poured and how to stir the scrambled eggs, who will attend her next birthday party and where it will be held and what they will serve, and she is very good at figuring out how to get people to do what she wants.

I'm one of those people, of course. The challenge has been in the "sizing up of grandma" process! How can she get Grandma to do her bidding? How can she get Grandma's full attention? Will Grandma put her toys away, give her an extra popsicle, take her to her favorite restaurant, or let her jump from the top stair to the bottom in a single leap? I thought I would do whatever Emma wanted, but it soon became obvious that I needed to draw the line. Beyond all else, I needed to establish myself as being in charge so that I would be able to keep her safe.

The old standby tricks that worked on me as a child were of no use with Emma. I wasn't sure they were the right way to go, anyway. I expected a frown to slow down her behavior, for fear of being in disfavor. Not with Emma! And saying no used to invoke a fury of protest. But that seldom happens with us anymore, not since that one day it all changed.

Much to my puzzlement, and happy astonishment, she has never been concerned about what others think of her. She's her own person. Why should she care what I think of her if she gets what she wants? Shaming has never been applied to this child, and for that I thank her parents. It was a standard tool in past generations, and it has stopped with this one. I am not worried that its absence will "spoil" anyone!

But, without the old "child-control tools" in my tool belt, I was at a loss. This little girl, from the time she was born, has displayed a natural tendency to live out loud. Glorious! But not easy for a fairly passive grandma.

When she invented a new game of sliding down the side of the bathtub into her brother's shins, a quiet admonition of "Em, you might hurt yourself or your brother, so please stop," didn't slow her down a bit. I got louder, and still no response. Lifting her out of the bathtub worked well. But would I still be her fun Grandma? Displeasing her was risky and often initiated a tantrum, which made me feel terrible and usually started Ryan's tears, as well.

The shocking turning point for me was something that happened without forethought. The bathtub, again! I had just taken them both out of the tub, dried Ryan off, and was getting ready to put Emma in her pajamas when Ry started splashing the water that had not finished draining out of the tub. "Ryan," I said loudly, "Come over here. I want you to stay dry." I reached over and led him to the other side of the bathroom. Before I had turned back, Emma was leaning into the tub, splashing with both hands. "Emma, stop." No response. Before I could think, I smacked her bare behind. "Grandma, you hit me!" she said, incredulously. "Yes, I did, Emma." And I proceeded to get her dressed.

I don't at all advocate hitting a child, and was very disturbed that it had happened so fast. But I'm not entirely sure I regret it. Something changed that day. We had established a new hierarchy, and she and I have had a wonderful change in our relationship. Half an hour later, she was in my lap laughing and playing and we were giggling together as we'd done before. But ever since that day, she has taken more care to listen to what I say (well, most of the time!). She can rely on me to keep her safe. She is no longer in high command.

It has been a great shift for me, way beyond being "Grandma." I've taken a larger place in my life. My self-respect has increased. I see that being pleasing is not all it's cracked up to be, and that it can be much easier for everyone around me if I let them know my preferences and where I draw the line. I am allowed to be the one that gets what she wants some of the time. And Emma can trust that I will be the adult so that she can be the child.

Perhaps some of the change in her is the result of what her mother and father told her that night, after I had related what happened.  I don't know what, if anything, they said to her. (I had been so afraid that they would ban me from being Grandma!) They explained to me that, although they were occasionally tempted to give her a swat, they have a "no hitting" policy in their home. And I have promised to honor that, of course. But I am not sure that one swat was such a bad thing. It woke us both up, and gave us the freedom to love each other in a new way: she knows I'll draw the line, and I know I can keep her safe.